For as long as I can remember I was always about having to be right in the middle of everything. It was always about what was popular for me, and once I got it in my mind I had to find a way to have it or be a part of it. When I wasn’t able to do either of those, I treated it like a massive failure in my life. By treating it like that, I was consistently putting myself in bad spots and viewing myself as if I wasn’t capable of doing anything worth while. The crowd is easy to follow because when we blend in we don’t have to face nearly as many challenges as we do when we stay on the road less traveled. When it comes to being ourselves it is essential that we start there. For me, it was about making that commitment initially — once I was able to do that, things immediately changed. Once I chose recovery and once I chose to be my true self I realized the hard work was going to follow. Coming from a life where I did all I could to avoid hard work, so the challenges that were ahead were going to be like things I had never experienced before in my life. I laugh now because it was crazy to think of avoiding the work simply because I didn’t want to … fail or put myself in a bad spot. The irony there is that I was only hurting myself by not doing so.
There is a worship song that I’ve written about before that says the narrow road leads to life and this plays into that. The road less traveled is a lot less crowded and much more peaceful. Those two things have and continue to bring me so much joy and motivation that they continue to keep me coming back. I can’t talk about inner peace enough when it comes to making changes in our lives and once we welcome it, we start to notice it almost immediately. I know life will continue to have its ups and downs, there will be great times along with difficult times but it’s about remaining on the road less traveled so I am able to navigate through it at a much more peaceful pace.
I remember when I first got sober I thought I had to cut my past out of my life and forget it even happened. This was something that I thought had to happen because in my mind it was the only way through. Bringing back my past to my life saved me, it was something that I didn’t know I needed, but now know it is something that I can’t live without. It’s not about living there, it’s about being able to have it to reflect and to use those experiences in different situations I encounter in my life now. I used to carry around a lot of shame in the things that I said and did, as well as the negative impact those things had on those who love me the most. It doesn’t mean that I stopped holding myself responsible for those actions, what it means is that I am using those experiences for good now. The wisdom I have gathered from active addiction as well as 11.5+ years of sobriety are priceless. I lean on those experiences and that knowledge a lot because those things continue to help shape the person that I am, as well as the person I am becoming in my life. Life isn’t perfect, we aren’t perfect. It can be easy to fall into the perfection trap because of how society portrays certain things and certain people. It’s about ourselves, and focusing on that opposed to focusing on what you think other people think. It’s on us, and it always will be. Take charge.
For the longest time I lived a life dependent on everyone doing everything for me opposed to taking responsibility and doing it myself. I made it a point to not want that independence because I simply didn’t want to do it. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could do it because when there were things I wanted, I was always the first to show up and the last to leave. That actually is what helped me in early recovery because I was able to lean on that fact and I was able to remind myself that I was more than capable of doing something like that again. As I’ve talked about before, it will always come back to how we talk to ourselves and how we motivate ourselves to do better and to be better. Like I said, it was easy to do so in certain situations because those things brought me joy and difficult to do in others because I simply didn’t want to do anything outside of things that I thought were fun. It was all about instant gratification, and it was all about not caring about any of the consequences — and again waiting on others to figure things out for me, do things for me and take care of things for me no matter what it was.
Getting shit done in recovery and in life has been a game changer, it allows me to work through things and handle things in my life as they come. One thing I struggled with for a long time was trying to get everything done at once. The one thing that has changed is the fact that I am able to take a step back, and handle things one at a time opposed to thinking that all need to be done at once. Again, it really goes back to believing in me, and making sure that I am being consistent and present in my life, for myself.
There were always so many negative thoughts going in and out of my mind. If I wasn’t encouraging myself, it didn’t matter what anyone else said because I wasn’t going to do it. The trust factor was never there because I was always so impulsive in any and everything. That way of thinking got me in a lot of trouble and it had me refusing to take accountability and responsibility for my words and my actions. There were times when things would be going well and I could see what life could look like. It didn’t last, but it were those moments that reminded me of what could be. The only way things were going to change is if I began to trust myself to make the right decisions for me opposed to falling back into bad habits and staying in my comfort zone that was alcohol and drugs. That comfort zone made things easy in the sense that I always felt like I had somewhere to go, but also made my life much more difficult because of the consistent negative consequences that followed those choices.
As I continue on my recovery journey I am always reminded of how important it is to continue to trust myself to make the correct decisions. I have to make sure to remind myself what’s best for me isn’t always going to be what I want for me. It’s about looking long term and making sure I’m setting myself up for success. It is difficult to navigate life, and it should be. When we accept that life is hard, we stay focused and we stay committed to working through things the best we can.
I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, this is too much, no way, I doubt it … I think about all the things I used to say to myself in the times when I needed myself the most. It’s crazy how important the internal conversations are that we have with ourselves. It can be easy to look elsewhere for motivation as well as for someone who can take care of everything for us. That’s something that I leaned on a lot before active addiction and during it. I was very good at talking myself out of things, as well as convincing myself that they weren’t THAT important. The language I used needed to change or nothing was going to change. It was that simple. There were times when I briefly believed in myself, and those times were some of the best. I don’t think it was a coincidence that they came when I was taking a break from drinking. That played into the denial part when it came to having a drinking problem. The facts were that I did have a drinking problem and until I admitted that and addressed it … there were going to be brief moments of change but I would continue to find myself on the wrong side of the fence.
Last week I celebrated my half birthday in recovery and my actual birthday. 11.5 years sober and 39 years young. I did a lot of reflecting on both of those days, and it was a great reminder of just how far I’ve come. I think reflection is so essential because it allows us to see both the good and the bad in our past and it lets us see where we are, what we need to work on, and what we need to remain consistent in. It didn’t happen right away in recovery but there was a moment when it finally clicked and I was able to finally tell myself “I can” and that I am built for recovery. As each day, week, month and year go by in recovery I am able to continue to remind myself of those facts. Those victories are essential in my growth, and along with the moments that don’t go how I had hoped are what mold living life to its fullest and reaching our full potential. That’s life, and once we see, feel and believe that we can live a good life we start to see the changes and the rewards right before our eyes.
I will say, after spending over half my 20’s being spent in active addiction I haven’t felt better in my life than I have in my 30’s. It’s just a reminder that when we take care of our bodies and our minds we will see the benefits of it. It’s something that continues to motivate me, and something that I really lean on day in and day out. All birthdays were before were a chance to get wasted. I’ve learned a lot in recovery but one of the most important things has been that aging is a gift. Taking that fact and living by it has changed and continues to change my outlook on life for the better. Another year around the sun is a time for reflection, and this year the reflection has been a key point and source of motivation as I continue moving forward. I’m a firm believer of living in the moment and being present. This is a big reason why I didn’t write this yesterday on my actual birthday, I wanted to be present in the moment of the day and I’m thankful I gave myself the opportunity to do so.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the stuff I didn’t have and it really had me not appreciating the people and possessions that were right in front of my face. A few quality friends here and there but outside of that it was more about volume than anything. I’ve talked a lot about this in the past, and when it comes to needing to be included in everything it became something I was desperate for. This is another reason why reflection is so important. Going back to that headspace is very therapeutic for me because it really allows me to appreciate the present. It wasn’t something that changed overnight but it was something that began when I started my recovery. It felt like a long episode of hoarders and I was having to start accepting that so much stuff had to be thrown out. It was slow at first, it was difficult at first, I felt a big sense of regret early on because I had lived a certain way for so long and it was something that I wasn’t familiar with at all. As I continued on and moved on from many people and possessions I could feel the shift in my life and I could feel the freedom from getting out from under the clutter that was my life. That provided and continues to provide plenty of motivation in my current day to day life. For that I am very thankful and use it day in and day out to make sure I am staying on track in both my recovery and my life in general.
I spent a lot of my life searching for the easy way out. When things got difficult I wanted no part in challenging them, it was about walking away, it was about finding a way without having to put on ALL the work. During that time, I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself but in my mind I was getting away with something when the reality was, I couldn’t have been more wrong. This play into the instant gratification mindset that I carried with me, and I wanted some sort of result, and at that point it didn’t matter what that looked like. It was easy to talk myself into it because I would just remind myself over and over again that something more probably wasn’t going to happen anyways so I made the right decision. I remember so many different moments when I settled for less because I was always in my head about not deserving anything more or anything better. It all comes down to our mindset and our way of thinking. This plays a role for good things as well as for bad things. We have a lot more power than we give ourselves credit for and it shows in our lives … both when it’s something positive as well as something negative. Active addiction did me no favors but it also made it easier for me to justify my actions.
When it comes to recovery — it hasn’t been easy and I couldn’t be more thankful for that fact. There are still moments when I wanted to look for a shortcut or search for an easy way out. The difference now is that I am able to take step back and take it all in, and do what is in my best interest which isn’t always what I want. That truth was something that took awhile for me to accept, but it continues to be one of the most freeing feelings I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. By doing that, we are able to navigate through things, as well as have an open mind and admit when we are struggling and/or settling for less than we truly deserve. As I continue on this journey I look forward to the challenge, I look forward to the difficult days, I look forward to the fun days, the enjoyable days, the tough days, the survival days as they are all part of the journey and that’s the only way we will truly be able to live and lead a full life which I think we all deserve.
Today marks 11.5 years alcohol free. It just so happens that I have the day off and am able to do a lot of reflecting on everything that has happened over the years and what I will continue to work on. I had it all wrong for a very long time. First, I didn’t believe in rest. I was always burning the candle at both ends and made sure to use substances along the way to make sure I was able to do so. By doing so, I was actually missing out on life because I wasn’t doing anything remotely impactful to improve my life. I remember the one quote that always stuck out and that was “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” which looking back made absolutely no sense. I wasn’t thankful for anything. I took everything and everyone for granted and only looked to them when I needed something that would benefit me. Looking back it messed up a lot of friendships and relationships but at the end of the day going through all of that has allowed me to have a appreciation for life as well as an appreciation for people that show up for me. This is why reflection continues to be such an important part of my recovery because it puts things in perspective and allows me to see progress in many different areas of my life.
When it comes to taking care of myself I have learned to value rest — sleep is so important, and it is something that has been life changing. Sleep and a gallon of water a day have made me feel like an entirely new person. That combined with recovery and it is a routine that I am willing to show up for day in and day out. As someone who struggles with sitting around, I have improved in the area of sitting down and enjoying time off. It still drives me crazy at certain times, but I have been able to find ways to counteract that and work through it and actually take care of myself. There is nothing impressive about sleep deprivation and acting like nothing or no one matters. That was something I continued to tell myself throughout active addiction and I am thankful for my recovery which opened my eyes to just how wrong I was.
The only thing certain in life is the uncertainty. That is something that I remind myself of often because it can be easy to forget. Uncertainty scared me off for the longest time because I would always just chalk it up to thinking of the worst case scenario, and that on its own would have me thinking I was doing myself a favor. The honest truth about that is even when things did work out there was just as much uncertainty going into that than there was into all of those opportunities I walked away from. My mindset was one to pick and choose, and the ones I picked were generally things I was already familiar with, and ones that wouldn’t take me too far out of my comfort zone. I carried a lot of feelings prior to being in active and addiction as well as in active addiction about being inadequate, about not being deserving of anything good in my life and those thoughts impacted my decisions when it came to trying something new, or going out of my comfort to accomplish something. So much of it comes back to our way of thinking and what we think we can and cannot do. The way I spoke to myself wasn’t the way I truly felt, in my eyes it was an easy out, it was a way to stay where I was, remain comfortable and familiar and in those moments that was always enough for me because that’s what I had myself believing.
There have been plenty of moments in recovery where I’ve questioned whether or not I am deserving of certain things or certain people. The biggest difference now is that I have developed healthy ways to battle them, healthy ways to work through them and have learned to tell myself that “I deserve this” in moments where doubt is trying to find its way into my current situation. Prior to accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior I lacked that belief in myself, I lacked that sense of direction because I was trying to do it all myself, I was trying to be perfect, I was trying to navigate and even dictate certain situations as often as I could. I eventually learned how that was never going to work, so surrender was something I committed to and it has completely changed the direction of my life. The uncertainty of life is still there, but I’ve been able to look at it through a “what could go right” lens opposed to a “what could go wrong” one and that has given me a completely new perspective on how to live.
Whatever It Takes 