A lot of my thoughts prior to active addiction and in active addiction were me creating a reality where I knew what everyone else was thinking about me, and I let those lies dictate a lot about my life. Even thought I never knew the truth, even though I never talked to anyone about it, I convinced myself that I knew. This thought process did a lot of damage because I know I kept myself from a lot, and I put myself in a bad headspace by thinking that way for so long. As I go through my reflections in my recovery that was one of the things that I really wanted to dive into because there had to be a why. I think a lot of it was about control and making sure things were going how I wanted them to go even if it meant viewing things from scenarios that I had completely made up about myself and others. Second, by thinking this way it allowed me to pick and choose when I’d actually commit and give my best effort towards both things and people. It was easy for me to deny myself opportunities by saying “what’s the point” or “it’s not worth it” because in my mind that was me avoiding any sense of hard work. I was fine when it came to things that came naturally to me because there was far less work involved, and I could just coast. This has always been a reminder to me that we have a lot more power and influence in our lives then we want to admit sometimes but it will always show itself in the best way possible or the worst.
My expectations for myself have definitely risen with my Faith and my recovery. The difference being that they are realistic expectations now and not this unattainable demand for perfection in all aspects of my life. Chasing perfection always left me defeated and always left me feeling like a failure. It goes along with chasing happiness all the time opposed to accepting that happiness is fleeting and it will come and go, and that’s fine. If we are happy all the time, we are lying to ourselves. That’s where the word joy comes in, and we can be joyful in the worst of situations, simply because we are allowed to be present, and we are allowed to be around to experience it. As I continue to navigate realistic expectations for me, I continue to dive into different ways to improve my life, and allowing myself to be human has given me a sense of freedom that I never thought would be possible. One of the most difficult realizations in that moment was that I was the one holding myself hostage. It was always everyone else’s fault, but that first look in the mirror when I realized I was looking at the villain of my story was very humbling and freeing at the same time. We really need to make sure we guard our hearts and protect our thoughts so we give ourselves a fighting chance in our lives.
God bless,
Brian 👐🏻
Whatever It Takes 