I spent so many years being distant from the Lord, and consistently convincing myself that I didn’t deserve anything or anyone good in my life. It didn’t matter what, it didn’t matter who, the fact was I was going to find a way to self-sabotage and tell myself that I was doing myself and them a favor. This mindset wasn’t easy to escape because in certain moments when I was unsure I could feel it creeping in to get to work again. It’s not a light switch, it’s not something we can turn on and off … it is a daily commitment we have to make a priority so we can move away from it more each day and as I’ve talked about in the past, making sure we burn the ships so we don’t have a way back there. There were so many days, weeks, months and even years where I told myself I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t worth it and a lot of what’s the point found it’s way into my vocabulary because of where I was mentally. That mindset was basically just me never giving myself a fighting chance and still acting upset when things didn’t go the way I had hoped. It was an easy way to become discouraged and act out. This led to a lot of bad decisions and a lot of binge drinking which I would justify by simply saying that life was unfair and I deserved to get a little crazy because of it. It didn’t matter how, I was always going to find a way to avoid responsibility and accountability but make sure I acted on impulse regardless of the negative consequences that were always waiting for me on the other side.
Over these 11+ years in recovery I’ve done a lot of reflecting. I go back to ‘13, and that first day I walked into Church willingly to hear the Word of God. It wasn’t an immediate change but it definitely had my attention. Through both Jesus and recovery my reflections have changed drastically over the years and have really allowed me to have a grateful heart in all instances. It has been a reminder that there are lessons in everything, and the things that don’t work are more times than not a blessing within the struggle. I’ve had plenty of moments like that throughout my life as I know many people have but we feel like it’s the worst moment of our life one moment, time passes and things happen for us and we look back at that moment and are reminded that needed to happen in order for us to get where we are today and that lesson helped us get here. Not everything is going to make sense and that’s where faith comes in. It’s not supposed. There has to be some blind trust there and when we start living that out, we feel a lot less anxious and a lot less stressed because we are finally focused on controlling what we can control and leaving the rest. I’ll continue to glorify God in all I do, and I’m forever thankful for His willingness to meet me halfway each day no matter where I’m at.
God bless,
Brian 👐🏻
Whatever It Takes 