There is a lot of stigma when it comes to addiction, and this played a big part in my refusal to honest with myself for so long. This goes along with my desire to always be the victim so people would feel bad for me. I definitely took advantage of my struggles by making sure I acted like I was the only one going through anything difficult. It’s not easy to admit when we are wrong, or when we have done a lot of bad shit over the years. I’ve had plenty of conversations through the years with people that were impacted by my choices and my words and as difficult as it can be, those conversations remain some of the most impactful that I’ve ever had. A lot of those people never stopped caring and often reply with “no biggie” and “it’s fine” which is something I’m sure has a bit of truth to it, but I still make sure I lean into the expression “the best apology is a changed behavior. For the longest time I used to think I had to fix and rekindle all the friendships that I lost during active addiction. The truth is, I can make amends and do my part and the other person isn’t always going to feel the same way and that’s ok. Again, it’s about controlling what I can control and leaving the rest. Not everyone or everything is meant to be in my life and that’s ok. That’s life.
Even after all of these years in recovery I know I’ve made a ton of progress in my life but I also know how much room for improvement still remains. I spent a lot of years treating getting sober like the top of the mountain which held me back in a lot of ways. I used to beat myself up over it, but that time was well spent because it gave me plenty of time to reflect and really get a feel of what my recovery meant to me and how I was going to live my life. Being a decent human being doesn’t win us a medal and it shouldn’t. Throughout recovery I’ve learned it’s a lot less about “me, me, me” and a lot more about taking responsibility and accountability for my life one day at a time. This perspective has helped put things into perspective and it has allowed me accept that my recovery is specific to me, and that acceptance is what keeps me focused on engaged each and every day. Life shouldn’t be completely absent of rewards but they should be in response to actions worthy of them.
There is a lot of stigma when it comes to addiction, and this played a big part in my refusal to honest with myself for so long. This goes along with my desire to always be the victim so people would feel bad for me. I definitely took advantage of my struggles by making sure I acted like I was the only one going through anything difficult. It’s not easy to admit when we are wrong, or when we have done a lot of bad shit over the years. I’ve had plenty of conversations through the years with people that were impacted by my choices and my words and as difficult as it can be, those conversations remain some of the most impactful that I’ve ever had. A lot of those people never stopped caring and often reply with “no biggie” and “it’s fine” which is something I’m sure has a bit of truth to it, but I still make sure I lean into the expression “the best apology is a changed behavior. For the longest time I used to think I had to fix and rekindle all the friendships that I lost during active addiction. The truth is, I can make amends and do my part and the other person isn’t always going to feel the same way and that’s ok. Again, it’s about controlling what I can control and leaving the rest. Not everyone or everything is meant to be in my life and that’s ok. That’s life.
Even after all of these years in recovery I know I’ve made a ton of progress in my life but I also know how much room for improvement still remains. I spent a lot of years treating getting sober like the top of the mountain which held me back in a lot of ways. I used to beat myself up over it, but that time was well spent because it gave me plenty of time to reflect and really get a feel of what my recovery meant to me and how I was going to live my life. Being a decent human being doesn’t win us a medal and it shouldn’t. Throughout recovery I’ve learned it’s a lot less about “me, me, me” and a lot more about taking responsibility and accountability for my life one day at a time. This perspective has helped put things into perspective and it has allowed me accept that my recovery is specific to me, and that acceptance is what keeps me focused on engaged each and every day. Life shouldn’t be completely absent of rewards but they should be in response to actions worthy of them.
Whatever It Takes 